bismillahirrahmanirrahim
I find it hard to integrate parts of me into one. I thought a blog would do the trick, but substantiating my thoughts was not as easy as I originally thought.
It’s too complex…part of me wants to freely blabber out everything like some others, another part fights hard not to do it, finding this medium inappropriate for such mundane or silly matters. I’m starting to (and am trying hard not to) repeat written thoughts, but in my head I do them all the same, over and over again, needlessly. It gets to a point when it’s exasperatingly annoying. Yes, I’m annoying myself. Those 2 parts of me better make a certain agreement sooner or later, I’ve got loads more to think about, innumerous more inner arguments waiting on the list forming right now, by that part of me which likes to list things (if you read my PDA, or notes, which I doubt, you’d probably agree). A part of me wants to put in serious matters here, like announcements or anything, some parts of me disagree. One little voice in my head (that obviously likes to contradict everything) points out that it’s pointless to put in something like that here, since no one reads this often anyway. But then, if I do something like that, or try to keep this blog up again, maybe people will read it more. Maybe I’ll leave that voice in the back for later, since it’ll contradict itself some more for a long time if I let it.
A positive part of me thought up of labeling my entries in a comprehensive way, a list already formulating way back there each time this thought came up (even a permanent part for polls!), but the lazy side of me pushed it away, siding up with Contradiction and The Skeptic(it’s too bothersome!) and Insecurity again while wondering which comic should I leech out from this internet heaven, or dig out from that treasure of lost childhood comics, or which cartoon should I see (yeah this coincides with my inner child’s drooling approval)
Is this blog going to join those 200 million or so other dotsams scattered in internet space? Like a mass internet elephant graveyard for lost webpages, unwanted, forgotten by their creators? I hope not.
My initial aim was to integrate parts of my life into one webpage, but could it lead to this blog’s disintegration? Interestingly not just my blog, but I, the person me, seem to be stuck in this limbo, this personal struggle of minds clashing that seems more like war to me. Each battle is stressful if not taken care of, I felt as if a “rewind” remote control button for my thoughts seems to be constantly pressed. Choices, choices. Decisions decisions. No one is spared so why should I be. Not that I’m an indecisive person. No, I’ll never admit to myself that, nor any other negative thoughts, unless it’s the truth and I need to face it and kill it.
I'll never admit that I'm insecure, crack under pressure, or can't handle things...i can do them!!
It’s just; maybe, I don’t know…I guess that’s why it’s important to be done with things instead of leaving them hanging there. But sometimes things are like that...u can never finish a book in one day, or make a proper-length film in one shot. Rome wasn’t built in a day, though there are possibilities, which also reminds us of the possibility of failure, or the crumbling of whatever you build, even for years to fall in a day, or even seconds. Like trust for example (now this is really rambling, I’m changing topics like the weather)
