Andai Ku Tahu

 I temporarily stopped blogging due to some distractions...

I've been soul searching, again. But finding out more doesn't necessarily produce answers. More often, more questions arise.
I thought I found something important, but I ended up more confused, as always.
Cryptic, eh?



Truly a lot has happened, for instance..
My house was broken in last week. I lost a laptop, my family's DSLR camera, a thumbdrive, and an external hard disk drive. Ironically, those were the most expensive things I do have, and I was quite attached to these things, other than my car. I don't know why, but I kept remembering that story about a religious man, who came into his house and saw a robber. The robber thought he was another robber, and the man helped the robber carry his stuff outside. I don't remember parts of the story, but it ends with the robber finding out he was actually the house-owner, and he was willingly giving all his possessions. I wish I was as patient and generous.
As a result I had to delay my CME presentation, and bought a desktop computer, since I still needed to refer my patients via e-mail (also delayed due to the robbery)
Maybe I'm not suited for precious things, since I keep losing them. And I should not have any attachments to things too much.

I passed by another accident today. As usual, I stopped and tried to help however I could. This time, it was too late for the poor victim. But it wasn't as simple as that. I hesitated to go out of the car. I was questioning myself, whether I was helping by going or not, and whether it was worth it. When I came out, they were just about to cover the body. Apparently the policemen already considered him dead. He probably was, I didn't check, which wasn't a bright decision. I kept quiet and asked around if there were any other victim. He was crying in a dark place. His friend had died in front of him. After making sure he was not in any immediate danger, I left. No one knew I was a doctor, but there wasn't need for any anymore. Until now I kept thinking about what happened tonight. Death. It comes to everyone, at any time. Life is so fragile. People working in a hospital know this first hand.
Then I thought again about my own mortality. It could be anything from a sudden disease to an accident. I felt vulnerable, and shaken.
I probably have nothing I could proudly say I have achieved in this world or to show in the next world.
It's probably nothing, but I am worried that when I do go, I would leave only troubles and bad sentiments. In this sense, it's good that I haven't found a partner, and I have so many siblings, that can take care of my parents.I haven't even repaid my debts to my parents, my family and friends for their love and support. Hopefully I have paid my debts, and my family can take my money from the bank for this purpose, insyaAllah.
What I'm really scared is the small amount of ibadah I have done, the many, many times I have been absent-mindedly missing my prayers and such, and most of all...the wrong I have done to others, whether purposely or not.
I don't know how long I have in this world. My gut feelings have been proven wrong at times.
But if I do go,

please let me go with peace at heart, and forgive me for everything...at the very least, my only salvation would be leaving only memories and nothing else

Andai ku tahu.
Kapan tiba ajalku
Ku akan memohon tuhan tolong panjangkan umurku

Andai ku tahu
Kapan tiba masaku
Ku akan memohon Tuhan jangan Kau ambil nyawaku
Aku takut akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut dosa yg terus membayangiku

Andai ku tahu
Malaikat-Mu kan menjemputku
Izinkan aku mengucap kata taubat pada-Mu
Aku takut akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut dosa yg terus membayangiku

Ampuni aku dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku menangis ku bertaubat pada-Mu
Aku manusia yang takut neraka
Namun aku juga tak pantas disurga
[Lirik oleh http://mp3.PORTAL007.net]

Andai ku tahu.
Kapan tiba ajalku
Izinkan aku mengucap kata taubat pada-Mu
Aku takut akan semua dosa dosaku
Aku takut dosa yg terus membayangiku
Ampuni aku dari segala dosa dosaku
Ampuni aku menangis ku bertaubat pada-Mu



And Abraham instructed his sons [to do the same] and [so did] Jacob, [saying], "O my sons, indeed Allah has chosen for you this religion, so do not die except while you are Muslims." [Al-Baqarah:132]

Hopefully I will die as a Muslim, at the very least.